The Little Vampire that Could
by BrokenSolitude
Summary: That dumb little crack fic we've all wanted so much but never got... AxI, very purposely OOC [Oneshot]


**That dumb little one-shot we've all craved as a vampire craves blood...AxI people! WHOO!!**

* * *

Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing paused, listened intently for a moment, then quirked a platinum eyebrow and stalked off. Honestly! She knew he wasn't sleeping. Not with all that ruckus. All night and all day so far she'd heard him groaning in the basement. It had kept her up and she was even more grumpy than usual.

And how the heck did Seras get off, sleeping through that?

…Wait…

What if…she wasn't sleeping?

Integra halted in her tracks and her ice eyes widened at her train of thought. What if Seras was with Alucard all this time?

And what if a certain Nosferatu had taken a sudden liking to things with fangs of his own creation, orange hair, and a rather large bust line?

A shiver went from toe to head in the knighted vampire slayer. It should never affect her in such a way, but Alas!

It did.

She straightened after a brief moment contemplating, and shrugged her shoulders.

"Of course, it should not matter what that monster does with his fledgling to me. I am a Hellsing and thus I do not care what goes on with vampires until it is time to dispose of them."

She said it to assure herself, but still was rather rumpled by the blush from her thoughts and the prospect that those…odd…noises had in face come to her attention in such a way.

Integra had to fight the urge to sprint to her office.

* * *

Oddly enough, Alucard did not come to her at dusk. She was getting restless, not having a weapon of destruction at her immediate disposal. She was also getting restless at not having a red clad moving target to do some shooting at. Her pen was in a death grip between her fingers as she initialed here and signed there. For some reason, those damned thoughts would not leave her be! All she could picture was that…fluffy thing…being seduced by her own mentor, him taking her hands in his and grinning like the maniac he was, and leading her slowly over to his coffin…

Which was exactly where Walter sauntered in, to find the sweat pouring off her and her cheeks burning red. She hadn't noticed him and was desperately trying to focus on her work, though her left hand ran through her hair self-consciously. He was actually able to walk right up to her and lean over the desk, suppressing a smirk. Integra could've looked right at him and not seen him, she was so distracted. With a slight flourish he attempted to announce, "Sir Integra, would you enjoy a cup of tea?"

But all he got out was "Sir Integra-" Because as soon as he spoke up, she snapped out of her reverie, screamed like the devil was after her, and fell off her chair in shock. Walter couldn't help but chuckle good naturedly and hold out a hand-shaking with mirth-to the flustered woman. She blanched and bristled, getting her own self off the hardwood floor, and glared at the butler.

"How dare you scare me like that, Walter!" She fumed, rage getting the best of her.

Walter assumed his most serious face and bowed to her in subservience.

"My apologies, Sir Integra, but I didn't think you would scare so easily." He came very close to breaking into a fit of laughter at the thought, but held his ground.

Integra pushed a rogue strand of moonbeam hair out of her face, and waved her hand at the elderly man.

"Well…Ugh. Walter, what did you want?"

Clearly she was distraught over something…complex. Though, Walter had an excellent idea of what it was, for her same thoughts about the unknown noises from the basement had run through his head as well.

"I had simply come to ask you if you wanted a cup of tea, Sir Integra". He mused.

She seated herself back into her large chair and relaxed at the prospect.

But only slightly.

"Fine, fine. Just…no more interruptions of that, um…odd persuasion."

Walter nodded and left, but paused in the doorway just as the Iron Maiden was beginning to focus on her work.

"You know, I haven't seen Alucard today. Any thoughts on his abrupt disappearance, Sir Integra?"

That tore it.

Integra was out of her chair, across the desk, and pushing her jesting servant out the door in the blink of an eye.

"Walter, I don't need any-unnecessary comments-from you!" She grunted as she pushed him down the hall a-ways.

He did chuckle this time, and made his apologies once again before shuffling off to the kitchen.

_'That woman's really at the end of her rope with being constantly surrounded by a lusting vampire, isn't she?'

* * *

_

The night passed uneventful, with no attacks that required Alucard's services, thankfully. Nor Seras'. Though still in tutelage, she was a promising and worthy aspect of Hellsing, able to do things that even the strong man in the traveling circus would faint at the sight of.

Though, she was still one of _them._

Integra was working-again-on the paperwork she had so clumsily initialed wrong the previous night. It was thundering and lighting rapidly outside, natural England fog adding to the dreary effect.

The vampire hunter sifted through her papers, obscene thoughts forgotten, undisturbed. Until a familiar chill on her spine generally…disturbed her.

Though, he didn't even address her as was usual, which had her thoroughly confused. Alucard simply slumped down in a chair, set in her office for a visit from a prestigious Royal Protestant Knight she had met with early that morning. Walter-Alucard thanked him silently- had not yet removed it.

Without even looking up, Integra turned cold and irritable instantly.

"What do you want, servant?" she hissed, still wondering about the noises.

He failed to answer, and gradually Integra's instinctive curiosity peaked, in spite of herself.

"Alucard?"

This time she did look up, and to her surprise he was still silent. He looked…almost subdued, she thought incredulously. Though, if the monster wished to be silent for once, who was she to stop him?

What did bother her was the fact that he did not even speak to her through her thoughts, which she knew he was very capable of. Shrugging to herself, she pushed it to the back of her mind and left it forgotten, trying to read the tiny script on the wrinkled paper in front of her. Alucard didn't even sigh an unnecessary sigh. He simply shifted positions in the chair, to allow for a more…casual position.

By this, he was sprawled out over each arm of the chair, head lolled back and hands hanging loose against the ground. Had his mouth been open, he could've caught the pesky fly that had been intent on landing on the word his female master had been reading earlier. She had failed to catch it, and for hours the only movement he made was to reach up and crumble the ignorant creature between the thumb and index finger of his left hand. Then he remained still for the remainder of the day, simply lying about, acting very lethargic. Admittedly, this particular level of apathy was very unbecoming to the elder blood-sucker, and Integra came close to saying so.

It was excruciatingly ironic; she almost always wished him to shut up and stay still, but he did the opposite. It annoyed her to no visible end. Now, when he did do what she willed of him, it was even more annoying than the former!

As dusk fell, he perked up ever so slightly, a welcome relief to the simple scratch of her pen against the paper and desk beneath. By perking up, he simply began to wave his hand in the air to some unheard symphony. This movement, caught by Integra's sharp peripheral vision, was infuriating. Soon, almost as though he was testing his vocal chords for the first time since vampirism, he began to hum, and closed his eyes in thought.

Integra secretly became frightened. She wondered if his previous stillness was all a prelude act to a large and flamboyant way to annoy her.

And when it was time for Alucard to _really_ annoy her, he was very capable of getting up and dancing on her desk.

Right before she was ready to yell him into submission, he stopped, and lapsed into quiet once more. This was even more confusing than the previous show, and Integra was feeling wary of her current vampire company.

As the silence once again wore on her nerves, she slammed her hand down on the desk and called to the stoic creature. If he had been human, he would have jumped a foot in the air, but being as he was, his only movement was an indiscriminate flinch.

"Alucard! What…what do you want?" she commanded his answer this time, and he could not disobey. A frown was apparent on his ivory face and he looked like he was about to speak, but didn't.

Almost like he couldn't.

She tried to bait him into speaking.

"There's an important mission that is in desperate need of your attention, servant."

Still he was quiescent.

Almost ready to stomp her foot childishly, Integra ordered him to his feet, irate. He pouted, and sluggishly rose, not bothering to reappear in the desired attentive position. He slumped even, but still towered over her as he moved to stand in front of his master.

"Why won't you speak, servant?!" She ordered.

Alucard tried to wet his lips, but ended up with his tongue sticking partially out of his mouth.

Integra pulled a gun on him and aimed at his knee. One single shot shattered his already regenerating kneecap, and he didn't even stumble. It was simply to make a point stand out more.

"Kneel at my feet, Alucard!" She was making silly and pointless demands, but he would speak, no matter what the consequences.

This is where the Alucard she knew began to shine through. He began to drift down through the floor, and anyone passing by on the floor below would've wondered why there was a pair of feet sticking out through the ceiling. Though he did not grin, he continued in his decent until only his head was visible. Integra made an impatient face at him and crossed her arms, gun still in her gloved hand.

"Ha ha. Very funny, servant." She had the mind to kick him in the face, but felt certain that she would get her foot bitten off in response. Pointing a finger towards the ceiling, she made her vampire rise again and kneel placidly at her feet. He was pouting like a two year old and giving her a look beneath raven locks. Integra huffed and bent over him, a sickeningly sweet smile sliding onto her lips, placing her hands on her hips and dangling the gun by the trigger guard.

"Now. Why won't you talk?" She tried to sound truly concerned, but it wasn't working out.

Alucard finally parted one side of his lips and mumbled something unintelligible.

_'Finally we're getting somewhere!'_ Integra cheered mentally.

"What was that, servant? Speak up." She talked to him like he was a terrier being house trained, or something of the like.

Earning herself a really pissed off look, Alucard once again said his part.

"I haff uh toothake…" He muttered in between guttural growls.

This took Integra by complete surprise. She didn't know vampires _could_ get toothaches. They were undead, so…

"What?" She faltered, thinking she had misunderstood his words again. His shoulders heaved with a dramatic sigh, though this was purely done out of spite.

"I sad I haff uh toothake, masta!"

Integra straightened up, thoughtful. She adjusted her glasses and gave a little "huh", at the interesting piece of information. Alucard took it as a sign that he could get up, and slowly slunk back over to the chair. Integra studied him for a moment, still rather taken aback. She had thought it was all some ploy to annoy the crud out of her. But, in fact, it did seem as though he had a legitimate problem.

She couldn't take it and had to ask.

"But I thought vampires couldn't get toothaches-"

He did not want to talk, but had to shut her up. His head was throbbing!

"'Cause oour 'angs com en aster un-deth, thee cane 'urt".

Integra forgot herself at his odd, pained speech and laughed heartily. She hadn't laughed so hard in ages, it seemed. It was so terribly funny, to hear this large, intimidating elder vampire start talking like a drunk three year old! She almost tipped over onto the floor, had she not been supporting herself with her desk. After a minute's worth of mirth, she wiped at her misting eyes and straightened her jacket. Alucard crossed his arms and his crimson eyes glared out at her from behind his midnight hair.

"What? You expect _me_ to do something about your…problem?" She scoffed at the notion.

He turned his head and stuck his nose in the air, which practically forced her into another fit of giggles. After a moment's contemplation, she dusted off her hands by clapping together and removed a glove.

"Oh fine. If it will help you to get on with work and not sulk in my office all night…" She trailed off as she remembered this would mean having an intimate look at the mouth of "Jaws" over there.

She was half-heartedly ready to call Walter and have him do it, or to find Seras and let her grapple with her master's stubbornness. But again her curiosity took over and she wanted to take that chance. Thus, the platinum haired knight approached her vampire, and he grinned as best he could with his mouth half paralyzed by pain and opened his mouth at Integra's prodding. Her gloveless hand was rather tentative about reaching in, until, "yo haff muh worf I on't bit yo".

This was strangely relieving, though she knew she couldn't put much stock in a vampire's words. But, at least he had tried, right?

Perhaps there was hope for him as a mindless minion, yet.

She reached behind his neck to tip his head back slightly, for a better look. Alucard was almost struck dumb by her sudden gentility. Pearly fangs gleamed dangerously in the firelight and artificial light from the lamp. Integra couldn't see anything out of the ordinary at first, then noticed some slight gum swelling by his left fang. This was obviously the source of the problem, as when she touched it lightly, he winced and visibly forced himself not to bite her finger off. Immediately after he squirmed and shifted position, she saw the problem and smirked.

"Wait a minute, Alucard. I need a pair of tweezers". She said, removing herself from her position in from of him and walking around to a desk drawer. When she returned, she noted Alucard was desperately trying to inch out of the chair and slip through the floor. Slapping a hand down on his shoulder, she roughly jerked him back into the chair and tapped her foot as she waited for him to open his mouth again.

He looked down forlornly as the tweezers glinted in the light. Integra Hellsing would swear from that day forth that she had seen him gulp in fear. She was getting impatient now; her paperwork wouldn't do itself, and the sooner her servant was out of her office, the sooner she could concentrate. He clamped his mouth shut stubbornly and stared up at her with his rarely used puppy dog face.

Integra was doing everything in her power to stay calm. He was really wearing on her patience, with this frightened and babyish act of his. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry at his sudden mood swings. Lightly tapping his chin, she counted to ten mentally and tried to relax.

"Alucard, would you please open your mouth?"

"No."

"Why not?" She could feel herself getting snippy again.

His eyes looked everywhere but to her. Was he really afraid?

"Mmm…'cause."

"Because _why, _you, you…thing you!"

"'Cause uh can't!"

Integra leaned back on her heels and studied him with her notorious "I see through you" stare. She would've hoped he squirmed in discomfort, like most did, but he stayed still, eyes boring holes into her own. She heaved a blatant sigh and thought. Suddenly a wickedly stupid thought came into her head, and she just had to try.

"Is it that you can't or won't?"

He took a moment before answering.

"…can't."

See, Alucard, that's where you are wrong," Before he could protest that he was never wrong, she continued, "You can, you just don't choose to."

He began to get the picture, and his glare became less defiant.

"See, you have to think that you can. You have to be like the 'Little Engine that Could', only in your case, it's the 'Little Vampire that Could'".

Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"Uh'm nut little."

"I know that, idiot! But this little engine, he couldn't do everything that the bigger engines could. So, he was very lonely and depressed, until he resolved to his motto "I think I can, I think I can" and suddenly, when he put his mind to it, he could do everything the bigger engines did, and more."

The deadpan expression worn by the vampire slowly turned to one of understanding at his master's point. But still…it _was_ Integra. Thus, his mouth remained closed.

Integra groaned.

"For the sake of the Queen, Alucard, open your damned mouth!" She screeched, and in doing so her eyes fell onto her desk, where a gun with silver bullets lay untouched. It might not kill him, or even really _really_ faze him, but still…

Nonchalantly, Integra picked up the gun and twirled it between her fingers expertly, then pointed the weapon at his…intimate parts.

"Alucard, open your mouth, or I shoot multiple blessed silver bullets into your crotch"

"No."

"Alucard…"

"No."

"Alucard!"

His eyes were glued to her finger on the trigger, squeezing slightly, and his ears paid close attention to the sickly intimidating sing-song tone to her voice. She was about to shoot when he opened his mouth to protest (he really didn't feel like picking bullet shells out of that particular area of himself that night) and Integra dropped the gun, shoved her fingers into his mouth, and inserted the tweezers.

It was over in an instant, and Alucard didn't even know what happened. He looked dazed for a moment. She stood before him, a triumphant smirk on her face, and wiggled the tweezers between her fingers, showing off the piece of bone that had been stuck in his gum.

"You either ate someone or there was something in a blood packet". She noted monotonously to a confused Alucard.

Integra turned away after picking up her gun, replaced her glove, and lay the weapon and the dental miracle called tweezers on her desk before slowly traveling around it. Alucard tried a few different faces after licking the tender area by his fang a few times, and grinned happily. He was so relieved even Integra thought she could feel it pouring off of him. He bounced up from the chair and appeared in front of her, almost startling her.

"Thank you Master!" He cried, ecstatic. If she wasn't his master and wielder of a very painful gun he would kiss her…

But things like that had never stopped his antics before.

So he did anyway.

Integra was too shocked to move. Her ice blue eyes were wide with his unseemly thanks. He was a vampire for crying out loud!

And yet…

She found her body betrayed her mind and her ideals as she felt herself desperately fighting to relax against his touch.

It was a chaste kiss, and he was away from her in a second, but the damage was done. Integra was like a statue; her eyes couldn't have gotten any wider. Instantly the No Life King realized what he'd done and hung his head in genuine shame. Now there was no hope. Integra would hate him more than before, and he'd never win the affections he sought from her, or the consent to turn her.

Meanwhile, Integra felt the heat creeping up her neck and onto her face. Her hands would not move to her will, and her feet seemed glued into place. If Alucard had looked up at that moment, he would've seen a blushing Sir Integra Hellsing smile faintly, and her tongue peek out from between her teeth to taste her lips.

She hadn't realized…

What she really desired of him.

A companion, be it man or monster.

"Master, I'm sorry. I just, well, the pain from the toothache must've messed with my head and-"

"Alucard. Shut up and come here."

He must've looked startled, judging by the look on her face, but complied. As he neared her, she felt the feeling return to her body in a rush. He was insanely close to her, and she felt her heart pounding in her chest. To her vampire servant, she looked almost, shy?

Her hand touching his took him by utter surprise once again, as so many things had that day.

"You thought you could, didn't you?"

"Master?"

"Well…I've decided, you can."

"Can what?"

"Ugh. Just shut up and kiss me!"

The elder vampire needed no further invitation, as his lips brushed hers in a testing sort of way. When he decided he was not going to get shot or stabbed, Alucard deemed it safe to settle into some real romance, and took her breath away.

Despite her consent, a part of Integra still battled against her desires.

She waved goodbye to said battle mentally as her eyes closed and she felt his tongue press her for entrance.

The door to her office opened slightly and the Angel of Death let himself in, announcing as was usual,

"Sir Integra, would you like a cup of-"

Walter caught his words and stared openly at the couple pressed together in front of the window. He backed up slowly and silently until he was in the hall and had re-closed the door, and then whisked himself down the hall, whispering,

"Well, it looks like Sir Integra found herself a new hobby, other than tea".

* * *

**heh heh...reviews please! Stupid, fluffy, completely OOC, but hey. I had to do it!**


End file.
